#not to mention he probably was no longer mentally 10 in mm since he not only went through all that trauma
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*head in hands* oot link is such a tragic character and it makes me so sad
#like everything about him was a lose/lose situation#he had to be a hero at 10 years old#and even tho he got aged up#he was still mentally 10#so of course zelda sent him back in time#he didnât quite understand what was happening#and having to go your whole life being judged and looked at weird simply because you donât act your age?#or going through life not aging mentally in a natural way?#I imagine that that would screw everything up#and so yeah going back in time to age naturally was good#but then thereâs majoras mask and the whole idea that nobody believes him#I mean. they believed him when he called out ganondorf#but having a 10 year old tell you about the moon falling and giants stopping it and all that#Iâm sure a lot of people thought he was crazy when he wasnât#not to mention he probably was no longer mentally 10 in mm since he not only went through all that trauma#but also was stuck in a time loop#and to top it all off. all the people. all the friends he made#were either gone or donât remember him#because they never had the relationship he had in the adult timeline#poor oot link :(#and this isnât to blame zelda at all#I cant imagine how hard itâd be for HER having to send him away#where sheâll never see him again when she def cared about him#just. agh#a lose/lose situation like I said#smiles rambles
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To My Best Friend
summary: reader faces quarantine at Harryâs and, turns out, it was exactly what they needed to come clean. also, Anne is the superior Mum.
word count: 2.3k
warnings: completely fluff. with marriage + mentions of family? not edited... when do I ever edit
based off of this ask<3
When you wake, the sun is shining through a slightly opened window in the far left corner of your bedroom. You can hear birds chirping amongst themselves from outside, cars driving far in the distance, it's quiet at Harry's home. Peaceful.
It's been a little more than four months since you and Harry decided to bubble at the beginning of quarantine. What you expected to be a few weeks turned into a lot more, but there were no complaints. Harry has the space, is the type to crave company, and you're his best friend.
Best friend.
You roll in the soft sheets, hugging the covers for a few minutes until you inevitably force yourself to get up for the day. You're not sure what sort of expensive luxury bed set this is, but god, they are comfy. You make a mental note to ask him later.
You zone out again on the soft sounds of the birds and the pleasant cool breeze flowing in through the window. You pull your phone from the bedside table to check the time, 10:56â and the weather, sunny and 78. You consider getting in the pool later.
Harry's phone rings somewhere outside of your room, followed by some muffled mumbling from the man himself signalling that he's awake too. You wonder if he's ate yet; he's a sucker for your omelettes and you're craving one about now.
You climb out of bed, going to the bathroom to tame your hair and brush your teeth, before heading to the kitchen to put together ingredients for the omelettes.
It's about 10 minutes before Harry appears in the kitchen, provoked by the smell. He places a hand on your lower back as a silent 'good morning!' while he stands to your side to admire your cooking. You try your best to ignore the warm feeling that his touch brings; the feeling that makes you wish for more than just a touch.
It makes you nervous, how quickly his presence has you feeling butterflies or how fast he can make you smile when you're in the darkest of moods. You've been sitting on the feelings for years, they were always there, hiding in the back of your head. The feelings that made you wish you'd shared that drink with him just for the second-hand contact to his lips.
Those are the thoughts that make you nervous. You try not to think about them when he's standing right next to you watching your every move with a wandering hand on the small of your back.
He's dressed in a colourful flannel and some shorts, you notice, much different than your fresh out of bed joggers and t-shirt. You make a mental note to change later, and you consider stealing one of his flannels (there's the thoughts again,) just to have his smell on you.
He pulls away from you to begin setting up the eating area, bringing out cups and silverware and then returning with a plate when he senses the omelette is nearly done. He stands to your left with the plate held in both hands like an excited toddler and when you flip the breakfast meal onto his plate he leans over and presses a quick kiss to your forehead in thanks. The thoughts come rushing back; I like when you kiss me, Harry.
"D'you have any plans for today?" he quizzes, before taking a drink of his orange juice.
"Was thinking about going in the pool later," you tell him, "it seemed nice out, an' I love your pool."
"I rather like my pool too," he chuckles "I'll join you, yeah? Could go for a swim later."
When you finish eating, Harry takes the plates to wash despite your protests. You cooked, he argues, so he cleans. You glance at the time, almost 12, and decide that the time it will take to change and freshen up will be enough for your stomach to settle and therefore a swim will be safe.
Returning upstairs, you first search for a bikini and then your sunglasses, changing and adding a pair of shorts. You brush your hair, throughly this time, and tie it up to avoid contact with the chlorinated water.
Before you go back downstairs, you take a minute to look at yourself in the mirrorâ doing your best not to allow the thoughts to come forward. (You don't think about how your body will look to Harry, and you definitely don't allow yourself to think about what he might think about the bikini you chose. Absolutely not.)
When you return downstairs to the kitchen, the dishes are washed and on the drying rack. Grabbing two cups and straws, you fill each about half with ice and then filtered water; and carry them both out to the poolside where Harry sits contently in the sun.
Unbeknownst to you, Harry's eyes travel along your body through his sunglasses when you appear from inside of the house, wishing he could touch you. His brain flicks back to the phone call he had this morning with his Mum, how she encouraged him to make a move because she knows you're meant to be. His stomach flips thinking about it.
"Do you remember when we went to that party and you pushed that guy into the pool because he was flirting with me?" you smile, sitting down beside him and handing him one of the cold waters.
"Mm, we had to leave because he was gonna' beat me up," Harry chuckles, "I was drunk. Probably lucky he ended up in the pool."
"You were being protective! It was cute!" you defend, rubbing his back lazily in comfort. He looks at you in a funny way, smile faltering a little before he returns his eyes back to the pool.
"M'gonna test the waters so the princess doesn't freeze," He proposes, rising from his seat when you give him a playful smack.
You rise as well, shimmying off your loose shorts and moving to sit at the side of the pool. Watching harry submerge himself first, you let your legs dangle off of the edge and into the water. It's cold, but a pleasant, enjoyable cold in the hot sun.
You sit contently for a few minutes, enjoying the water on your legs and watching harry swim back and forth. You lean back and turn your attention somewhere else, trying to avoid being caught staring. Suddenly, though, a hand brushes up the side of one of your submerged legs, informing you of Harry's presence.
"Y'coming in?" he asks, standing now. He's tall, so your faces are about level now.
"Are you in a hurry?" He's close enough now that he's dripping cold water on your skin.
"Maybe,"
Suddenly, he's gripping your waist to lift you and pull you into the water. You squeal, grabbing his shoulders as leverage as he practically drops you into the water that feels ice cold against your warm sunny skin. He laughs loud and happy when you splash water in his direction as payback.
Soon, both of your energies mellow out. Harry's on his phone, while you're floating around in a doughnut shaped floatie. Harry snaps a photo, but you don't notice.
When it's time to get out, Harry offers to go grab the towels while you float around for a few more minutes. He's driving you crazy in the best way. Your skin still tingles where he had touched your sides to lift you into the water, and your palms burn with the memory of his bare shoulders.
When he returns, it's like his energy has changed. The sight of a shirt over his chest makes you frown momentarily, and he's light on his feet rather than the happy strides he took on his way into his home. You see him tuck his phone into his pocket as if he's been talking to someone again, and when his eyes meet yours the wide smile is hiding something else.
When you slip out of the doughnut and climb up the pool ladder, he mumbles a soft "c'mere" and wraps the towel around your shoulders. His eyes watch you for a little longer than they should've.
"Mum called again," He murmurs.
"I's she doing well? Is that who called this morning?" you question, keeping your attention on his eyes.
"Yeah, woke you up I suppose,"
"Not at all!" You defend.
He goes quiet, picking at his fingernails (a nervous habit you notice he's developed since beginning to paint his nails) and looking off to the side to avoid holding eye contact with you. This makes you nervous, he's never this way around you.
"Harry,"
"I'm sorry, 'shouldn't be such a big deal," he says, letting out an awkward laugh.
A soft smile appears on your face, taking his hands into yours to part them. Gently, you move towards him, pressing yourself wordlessly into his body and allowing his hands to wrap around your towel-covered body. It brings him comfort, and you ignore your own heart beating at the contact.
"Better?"
"A little." He admits. He loves holding you, and sure, it helps his nerves, but he's going to tell you.
His Mum's been on him since he told her you'd be staying with him, telling him ânow or never, Harry!â, and he's beginning to realize it really is now or never. He doesn't know how long quarantine will keep up or how much longer you will decide to stay, and he misses you even when you're just running something as simple as a grocery trip.
He doesn't know why he's scared, he knows a friendship as strong as yours could work through anything, Still, there's always the possibility that things could go bad. âGet out of your head!'âAnne would say.
This type of topic between the two of you is quite common, given Harry's music and your tendency to be quite open. However, this type of topic concerning the two of you is uncharted territory.
He thinks about the story you'd brought up earlier. When you'd both went to a party together and some guy, very obviously drunker than the both of you, tried to flirt his way into your pants before Harry had pushed him into the pool himself.
The truth is, he knew you would hold your ground if you weren't interested. Actually, Harry knows from first-hand experience that you don't need protection, you can be very vocal when you need to be, and he's even seen you deck someone at the bar a few years back for touching one of your friends. You were the protector.
That's why, upon seeing Harry at such a nervous loss of words, you had hugged him. It was your own way of protecting him.
"I wasn't trying t'protect you when I pushed that guy into the pool." He states, quiet and unsure.
You only hum in reply, allowing him to finish his sentence but letting him know you heard what he said.
" 'was jealous."
What?
"What?" you pull away from him only slightly, âwhy?"
"I didn't want stupidâ" he pauses for the name "Josh, or whatever, t'be the one to take y'home."
You give him a confused look, now that you can see his face. Not putting two and two together.
"Josh is great! I love Joshâ"
"More than me?" he murmurs, and it clicks.
Oh.
"Of course not... Harry," you hesitate, watching his eyes move between your own and his jaw clench.
Is this happening?
"I wanted," his shaky hand finds your arm, sliding down to take hold of your own, equally shaky left hand to toy with your fingers.
"I wanted t'take you home. Crawl into bed with you. Whatever else." he finishes. His stomach is in butterflies by now and he feels the tight, anxiety feeling in his lungs.
It catches him completely off guard when your lips are on his.
When you try to pull away, scared you've overstepped, his mouth only follows your own and his hand rises to your jaw to hold you steady. He feels a weight lifted from his shoulders, holding you, kissing you, like this. This is what he's needed.
When you finally do pull away, it's to go inside. Harry erupts in happy laughter when you make a beeline up the stairs. Nothing happens though, it's too soon and Harry agrees, but that doesn't stop you from curling into Harry's sheets, cuddling and kissing each other while watching one of your favourite films.
Catching up on missed time.
***
The wedding reception.
How did we end up here?
"Honestly," Harry speaks loudly to the crowd of your family and friends within the dinner hall "I have two people to thank for sealing the deal."
You smile wildly, knowing exactly which story he's about to bring up. Your eyes travel through the table groups you and Harry had spent so much time planning out. When your eyes catch with Mitch's he gives you a wink.
"Anne, my beautiful Mother, thank you for not letting me coward out of finally telling my girl how I felt," he pauses, you place a hand on his knee
"And Joshâ"
You can't hold back the laugh, especially when the entire room turns to face the poor, completely unsuspecting victim. Josh, face red and confused smile on his lips.
"Years ago, when I pushed you into that pool at your birthday party becauseâ you would've killed me if I didn't run! Because you were talking to her and I got jealous!" the room is erupting in laughter.
The room is full of the most important people in your's and Harry's lives. Still though, your happy eyes are glued to Harry, working the small crowd of people as per usual and telling a story about the time of and before quarantine; of when you'd basically moved in with him and never left.
Later, when you're wrapped in warm blankets and Harry's arms, you're reflecting on your day. The guests, who you'd talked to, what you'd heard.
"Wow. I'm married." he dumbfounds.
Wow is right.
"We're married." you restate for him, giving his hand a soft squeeze.
"Wow. I'm married to my best friend.â
Giggles boil over in the dark room. Harry is astonished suddenly, pupils blown, wide grin on his face. He presses quick kisses to the side of your face and you snuggle into his side more.
"I think we win, H."
#i feel like this was sorta rushed but hskdjsks itâs fine#can you tell i love the zane lowe interview#harry styles#harry styles x reader#harry styles fluff#fineline#harry styles x y/n#harry styles imagine#harry styles friends to lovers#harry styles marriage#request#not edited
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Day 11
Mondays. I hate them. Like whoever has the name Monday is an automatic joy kill. Iâm not too sure about that fact but I hate Mondays. Iâm not sure when I started to have them, but I guess the idea of going to school again after 2 days of rest is just pure annoying.
I skip a proper breakfast today and grab a bag of turtle chips I bought yesterday. Cooking could wait. I start the car and get out of my neighborhood. A call comes in.
Sun is callingâŚ
âMy oh my Sun? Whatever could you be calling me at 7:00 for?â
âCan you drive me to school today?â
âAre your parents not home?â
âNo, itâs just my brother had a morning class today and took the car with my parentsâ
âSo youâre home alone?â
âEssentiallyâ
âSend me your address. Do it quickly too, I was about to get on the freewayâ
âSentâ
âAlright~, See you later! Love you!â
âI literally havenât said I like you back yet and youâre already saying you love me?â
âI say it to everyone darling. I like you is my term of endearment, because love you sounds more natural after a conversationâ
âYou make no senseâ
âNeither do my gradesâ
âAlright see you in 5â
âSee youâ
The drive to his house is. Chaotic. Iâm having a crisis comprehending that he would call me of all people to carpool with. Pebble had a car, lived closer to him, and he probably couldâve carpooled with her? But then again he doesnât like her that much. Probably because Iâm tolerable or something. What if he likes me back? No! That is the most irrational thought Iâve ever had wtf. Who in their right mind would like me? My thoughts are interrupted when I end up at his house.
âGet in loser, weâre going to schoolâ
âSounds boring.â
âSays our Valedictorianâ
âWill you stop calling me that?â
âMm. Noâ
âRemind me why I decided to ask you to drive me to school again?â
âBecause you loooooove meeeeeâ A look of disgust from him.
âIâm joking. Because Iâm the only tolerable one in our classâ
âPretty much yeahâ
âSo. Got your eyes on any of our juniors?â
âNo Iâm not attracted to any of them. I have decided my last crush was enoughâ
âOh come on. Clinging onto the past isnât good for your mental health you knowâ
âSays the one who still canât let her feelings goâ
âoK IN MY DEFENSE I GREW EXTREEMLY EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO HIMâ
âClinging onto the pAsT iSnT gOOD fOR yOUr MEnTaL HEAltH yOU kNoWâ
âStop quoting me!â
âWise words from someone who doesnât even follow themâ
âIâve been attacked. Remind me to never drive you to school againâ
âDoes that mean youâll finally stop texting me at 3am to go to McDonalds with you?â
âNope. 3am and 7am hit different. They donât vibe the sameâ
âYou make no senseâ
âGood to know you finally caught my vibeâ
âRemind me how you managed to publish a book?â
âI donât know. I wish I did sometimesâ
âHowâd you even publish one?â
âI ran a blog. Which no one at our school knows about, and someone contacted me to publish the story I was writingâ
âIâll make a mental note to find your writing blogâ
âHave fun tryingâ
âYou use the same username for literally everything, itâs funny how you think I wonât be able to find itâ
â. you got me thereâ
âI could always text your public school friends and ask them about itâ
âOnly one of them follow the blog. And like the rest of them donât even know about what I doâ
âWhy?â
âThe Canadian friend. The last time I went to visit him, he asked me if they were really my friends. I had told him about how they told everyone my secretsâ
âAh. Well.â
I look at him in the corner of my eye.
âI know I may be emotionally constipated.â
âpFFtâ
âLet me finish. But I really wanna repay you for being there for me when I needed someone. So if you have any successes or things you wanna vent about. Uh. You can come to me?â
âIâm touched. This is why our school questions our friendshipâ
âBecause youâre the only girl I hang out with?â
âYeah. Youâre such a softie too!â I coo. âI wonder what our classmates would say if they found out that youâre so emotionally vulnerable!â
âI would never hear the end of itâ
âBut honestly. I feel like all the students in our school tend to put up a facade. No one ever mentions having anxiety or being anxious or paranoid about things. I only found out about that vulnerable side when I had leftâ
âBeing anxious is normal. It would be unrealistic to be emotionally stableâ
âYouâre only saying that because youâre emotionally unstable. I honestly think youâd be more stable if you had a girlfriend or somethingâ
âYouâd let me?â He raised an eyebrow.
âOnly if itâs me~â I laugh immediately after.
âHopeless romantic as alwaysâ
âhEy! LEt me live in my fiction!â
âWhatever floats with youâ
âIâd rather drown-â
âYour humor has gotten so dark-â
âWhose fault is that?â
âYoursâ
âNo my dadâsâ
âYour dad?â
âMy public school one. The father figure that I lackâ
âI was gonna say. I didnât take you for one who would get a boyfriendâ
âOk. No one wants to date me. Iâll just end up as the cat ladyâ
âIf you do end up getting a cat, I call dibs on naming themâ
âNo. My precious babyâ I pout. The school is in view now.
âYou donât even have a cat yet?â
âStill. My precious babyâ
âYouâre boringâ
âMmâ I hum in agreement. Iâm parking the car at this point. Itâs 7:25 and we arrived at our normal time. He wasnât one for a morning snack, and I wasnât particularly hungry either.
âAre you not going to go grab breakfast?â
âWhy would I?â
âYou literally had a bag of chips for breakfastâ
âSo? Itâs not like Iâm gonna pass out from lack of nutrients or somethingâ
âItâs not good for your healthâ
âWhen has my health ever matteredâ
âSince now. Swap seats with me Iâll take you to Starbucks for a sandwich or somethingâ
âNoâ
âWhat do you want?â
âYou-â I cackle and he flushes red. âIâm jOKING JKSFGW IâM SORRY SUNâ
âOk but what do you actually wantâ
âIâm not hungry.â
âEven if I take you to Paulâs Place?â
âhHHHHH. Iâm not h-hungryâ
âLetâs go. We can walk overâ
âWe literally have like 20 minutes. Thatâs not nearly enough time to grab foodâ
âThen youâll let me raid our schoolâs kitchen. There has to be some sort of leftover food thereâ
âYouâre telling me to whAT?â
âI know you have the keys to every room at school. Donât think I didnât see you asking the principal for them so you could arrive here at 5am in the morning huddling in a classroom for vibesâ
âIâm hurtâ
âOpen the kitchen for me. Iâll make you a sandwich or somethingâ
âAww. Youâre gonna cook for me?â
âWould you rather do it yourself?â
âIâd rather starveâ
âI-. Youâre insufferableâ
âThanks, I get that a lotâ
âWhat do you want for breakfastâ
âA hugâ
âThatâs illegalâ
ânO THE CONTRACT JUST SAID NO DATING I HAVE A PHOTO HHâ
âNo hugs until you eat breakfastâ
âSo youâll hug me if I eat breakfast?â
âWeâll seeâ
âbREAKFAST HERE I COMEEEEEâ
The kitchen was pretty much empty other than the sauces. There were a couple leaves for a salad, and the ranch dressing that I had grown to hate but I had to eat what I could. There was no way I was allowed to run off. He had kept me within the inner side of the kitchen where I couldnât leave without him trapping me in.
âIf you take any longer people are going to think that weâre doing the deed in hereâ
âYouâre disgustingâ
âOk but like youâre gonna get teased either wayâ
âWe are not going to do the deed in hereâ
âIf this were public school then someone has definitely-â
âBUT THIS IS A CHRISTIAN PRIVATE SCHOOL SO NO HORNYâ
âhiSSSâ
He glares at me for another couple of seconds while I start to scarf down my salad.
âdONâT CHOKE ON IT. YOUâRE GOING TOO FASTâ
âlET ME CHOKE ON MY SALAD. I SHALL GLADLY EMBRACE DEATHâ
ânO?â
âyO wHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TO IN HERE?â Someoneâs head popped in.
The two of us screamed. And I ended up choking on the salad. Helping me regain my breathing, he gazed at the person who had burst in.
âIs there ever going to be a time when you donât just burst into the room Iâm in?â
âNope. But Iâll probably stop if you move out for collegeâ
âI swearâ
Itâs his brother. I offer a smile and throw the now empty plate away.
âI hate ranch. If I have to eat that anymore Iâm going to kill someoneâ I cough.
âAs much as we know how to hide a body, I donât exactly want to be an accomplice in a murderâ
âDonât worry about it Z. If anyoneâs going to jail with me itâs your brotherâ
âWhat did I do???â
âBecome my friend and partner in crime. You know, the usualâ
âCanât you get Sam to hide the body for you?â
âWhatâs the fun in that? You know more about the human bodyâ
âoH?â His brother wiggles his eyebrows.
âThe first bellâs rung. Letâs get to classâ
âSee you later Z!â
âSee you!â
So class starts again. The day is calm, welcoming, serene. The day passes and Iâm home again. Todayâs supposed to be a McDonalds night but I end up waking up late for the 3am run.
Clown: Iâm late today McDonalds?
Sun: Z wants to go But I want sleep
Clown: Iâll pick him up Tell him Iâll be there in 10
Sun: Got it
Seen at 4:03
My car starts and I drive towards his house. Iâm already in my school uniform and my bag is in the seat next to me. My lights are dim so I donât wake anyone in their home. I see his brother open and close the door, then slide into the seat next to me.
âReady to go?â
âYea. McDonalds right?â
âYeaâ
The drive is quiet. He looks out the window while my music plays softly in the background. He probably isnât as awake. Their dynamic at school is reversed at home. I never understood why.
âIs something bothering you?â My voice is soft. And he sighs.
âAre you sure you want to listen?â
âAlwaysâ
âI met this girl online. I thought we hit it off really well too. She was flirting and everything with me. I found out a few days ago that she had a boyfriend. It turns out she only started to talk to me because I had a rank that she wanted to be in. She broke off contact with me yesterday. I guess it hurts. I really thought she could be there for me for high school tooâ
âDonât let it drag you down. It sounds rude to say that, but you have your whole life ahead of you. One small bump along the way wonât matter to you in the future. So focus on what you want to do and reach for it. If you ever need someone to be there for you my number is always there. Text me whenever you need, Iâll always try to be there.â
âOne bump along the wayâŚThank you. I kinda get why Eâs always going to you for helpâ
âItâs not much. The least I can do is listen to your worries.â
âBut you arenât obligated to do thatâ
âYeah. But it doesnât matter. I want to be of some help.â I pull up at the McDonalds drive through.
âHey darling!â
âHey. Can I get the usual and then⌠Do you want ice cream?â
âWait the machine works?â
âYes or no.â
âYes pleaseâ
âAnd a large M&M McFlurry?â
âlARGE?â
âOf course darling! Did your friend go through the breakup blues?â
âMore like got emotionally attached to one of those internet bunniesâ
âHoly. Thatâs the worst. Itâs on the house thenâ
âyOU caNâT JUST DO THATâ
âI DO WHAT I WANT IâM THE MANAGERâ
I gawk and drive up to the second window. He shoots me a grin and hands me the food. I pull out my card to pay but heâs already gone.
âThat little piece of sh-â
âThank youâ Z mumbles silently.
âAh. Donât worry about it! Itâs the least I can do as your driver.â
âBut you didnât need to?â
âInternet bunnies are the worst. I would knowâ
âIâm not gonna ask how you knowâ
âHahaâ I laugh. âWelcome back Zâ
âA moment of weaknessâ
â3am hits different. Donât worry about it. Weâre all emotionally fragileâ
âEspecially the three of usâ
âI would guess.â
âReady to go?â
âLetâsâ
And the rest of the night passes with laughter, smiles, and jokes.
Previous : Masterlist : Next
#fluff#angst#bc theres actually angst this time#writing#fiction#365 days of rejection#365 days of writing#projects#quarnatine projects#i hope this helps with college admissions lmAO#my ocs#365 days
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WARNING: descriptions of vomit below!
read the warning!
read the warning!
read the warning!
okay, youâve been warned! Â please enjoy the fic!
Theyâve only been playing cards in the common area for about 15 minutes, but Iwaizumi is bored. Â It doesnât take him long to figure out why.
âHey, guys, whereâs Oikawa?â
âStill in the bath, I think?â Â Hanamaki says, raising his eyebrows. Â Iwaizumiâs natural frown deepens into one of concern and annoyance.
âItâs been quite a while, hasnât it?â Â He takes a quick mental inventory of the people around him; the whole team is there, minus their captain.
âHeâs probably fine,â Matsuwaka shrugs and turns back to his cards. Â Iwaizumi stands up and the rest of his teammates look at him again. Â He clears his throat.
âIâm going to go check on him,â he explains, and is gone before anyone can protest. Â Something doesnât feel right, and as much as he loves making fun of Oikawa, right now the idea of leaving his best friend alone any longer makes him inexplicably but undeniably uneasy.
When he finds Oikawa, heâs glad he went with his gut. Â His mouth barely above the water and completely alone in the bath, Seijouâs captain looks limp and lifeless. Â His face is all red, and if it werenât for the slight flow of the water pushing him gently side to side, he would be completely still. Â Iwaizumi scowls, pushing the pinch of anxiety in his gut aside. Â When it comes to taking care of himself, Oikawa has never been anything but irresponsible.
âOi, Shittykawa! Â Weâre leaving this bath, come on!â Â Iwaizumi waits about five seconds before the fear that Oikawa really may have passed out gets the better of him and he takes a step closer. Â Heâs ready to pull his friend out of the water by force when he finally speaks up.
âAh?â Â Oikawaâs voice is thick and slow. Â âIwa-chan? Â âs that you?â
âOf course itâs me,â he says loudly, startling Oikawa because of his proximity and getting a mild satisfaction out of the small surprised jolt of his shoulders. Â âNow get out,â Iwaizumi demands, looking away. Â Itâs not so much out of embarrassment or anything of that sort (having been friends for such a long time, both boys have seen each other naked on plenty of occasions) but because he is well acquainted with Oikawaâs habit of making some smug comment along the lines of âAw, you just canât look away from my beautiful body, can you, Iwa-chan?â
When he hears an unnatural splash from behind him, heâs torn between worry and the suspicion that Oikawaâs playing some sort of trick on him just to get him to look. Â And yet, he cannot stop himself from turning around.
He finds a disoriented looking Oikawa gripping the side of the bath for dear life.
âOikawa?â
âHah,â he breathes out a stuttering laugh. Â âIâm- Iâm coming Iwa-chan, hang on.â Â He tries to stand again, and Iwaizumi watches him sway drastically for a moment before grabbing his arm.
âOi, Shittykawa, whatâs wrong with you?â
âIâm fine, really, Iwa-chan,â Oikawa struggles unconvincingly in Iwaizumiâs grip for a brief time before giving up.  Iwaizumiâs grip on his arm tightens, demanding an honest answer.  âJust⌠a little dizzy, is all.â
âBakakawa. Â Of course youâre dizzy, youâve been in here far too long.â Â He lifts his unsteady friend out of the bath, never once letting his grip loosen. Â âLetâs get you back to our room and you can lie down.â
Oikawa pouts. Â âBut I wanted to play with the team-â
When Iwaizumi shoots him a death glare and Oikawa closes his mouth, paling a bit.
âWell, I guess it would be okay to spend the rest of the night with Iwa-chan,â Oikawa mumbles. Â âYou- youâll stay with me, right?â
Iwaizumi sighs heavily at the excessive uncertainty in his best friendâs eyes and shakes his head. Â âOf course, Trashykawa.â Â Iâve never left alone you before, have I?
When they get back to their room, Iwaizumi helps Oikawa get comfortable and settled into bed, bringing him the remote control for the TV and his stuffed alien.
âThere,â he mutters, crossing his arms and surveying the room before his eyes flick back to his friend in anticipation. Â The room is a chaotic mess; it was typical of Iwaizumi to throw his stuff everywhere, but it was also routine for Oikawa to relentlessly nag him about it as soon as he entered the room. Â He had yet to say a word about it. Â Iwaizumi hadnât worried too much about this at first, as heâd assumed that Oikawa was probably just out of it, but at this point, considering Oikawaâs lack of complaints and general commentary, not to mention the fact that the TV remote remains unused in Oikawaâs loose grip, Iwaizumi doesnât think itâs unreasonable to be concerned. Â He waves a hand in front of his friendâs face.
âOi!â Â Oikawaâs eyes snap into focus at Iwaizumiâs exclamation. Â Iwaizumiâs voice softens. Â âYou okay?â
âHm?â Â Oikawa hums a questioning note.
âYouâre just⌠quiet,â Iwaizumi finishes, diplomatically avoiding bringing up the subject of his mess so as not to upset Oikawa.
âMm. Â Still kind of dizzy.â
Iwaizumi frowns.  Itâs been a while since Oikawa left the hot bath; he should be feeling better by now.  Unless⌠ Iwaizumi reaches a hand to Oikawaâs forehead and almost immediately realizes whatâs going on.
âYouâre sick.â
âHmph. Â No way, Iwa-chan! Â Iâm a healthy-â
âYour burning up, Dumbkawa.â
âBut Iwa-â
âNo buts,â Iwaizumi glares. Â âYou need to try and sleep.â
Oikawa blinks and looks at Iwaizumi reproachfully.
âDonât you give me that look. Â I know you have trouble sleeping, but you at least have to try. Â Your body will probably be more susceptible to sleep now that itâs sick and knows it needs the energy to heal itself.â
Oikawa makes a face, but relaxes into the pillow behind him. Â Now that Iwaizumi knows he has a fever, he can see the signs more clearly: the pasty quality to his skin, the exceptionally deep bags under his eyes, the sweat gleaming on his forehead. Â Iwaizumi feels a pang of pity for the sick boy; it always sucks to get sick on vacation.
âHey. Â Do you feel any symptoms other than the dizziness?â
âIâm fine, Iwa-chan,â Oikawa lets out a dramatic exasperated sigh. Â Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, but had to make sure.
âReally? Â Thereâs nothing else?â
âHonestly, Iwa-chan! Â You are my mom after all!â
âShut up!â Â Iwaizumi growls, but Oikawa looks so run down that itâs hard for him to believe the jeer was anything other than a distraction tactic. Â He softens. Â âI just wanted to make sure youâre alright.â
Thereâs a moment when Oikawaâs face opens up in a knee-jerk mirror response to Iwaizumiâs sincerity. Â Iwaizumi canât judge how much pain is there in his eyes since the moment passes so quickly, but he feels somewhat relieved when Oikawa is left with a small, but genuine, smile.
âYou donât need to worry about me, Iwa-chan. Â But, if you want, maybe you could bring me some water? Â My mouth is pretty dry.â
Iwaizumi smiles, both glad that Oikawaâs being honest, and that he seems to be in relatively high spirits. Â His worry eased somewhat, he allows himself to stop and talk for a bit when Hanamaki calls out to him as he passes the common area.
âIs Oikawa okay?â
âYeah, heâs-â
âSee?â Â Matsuwaka breaks in. Â âWhatâd I tell you?â
Iwaizumi scowls as Hanamaki and Matsuwaka exchange knowing glances.
âRight, but-â
âItâs cute how you were so worried about him, though,â Hanamaki says suggestively.
âSeriously, itâs not-â
âOh, Iwaizumi!â Â Kindaichi calls out to him, not realizing that heâs interrupting. Â âAre you and Oikawa going to play cards with us? Â Weâll wait to deal the next hand!â
Iwaizumi shakes his head, and the team erupts in a barrage of complaints.
âWhy not?â
âItâs only 10 pm!â
âWell, actually itâs 10:45⌠but still!â
âYou guys are lame!â
For about five seconds, itâs entertaining, and somewhat flattering. Â Unfortunately, the team doesnât stop there, but instead gains momentum to the point where Iwaizumi wouldnât be surprised if Oikawa could hear them all the way on the other end of the hall. Â The last think Iwaizumi needs is a curious Oikawa wandering out of the room to figure out the cause of all the commotion. Â Enough is enough.
âEVERYBODY SHUT UP!â
Thankfully, when necessaryIwaizumi can be even louder than the rest of his team combined, even when theyâre as riled up as they are tonight. Â He puts his hands on his hips when they fall into a stunned silence.
âThank you. Â Also, thank you for so kindly and enthusiastically inviting us to play cards with you, but unfortunately, we must decline, since Oikawa,â Iwaizumi looks purposefully at Matsuwaka and Hanamaki, âhas a fever and must rest up. Â Iâm just grabbing him some water and then Iâm going to head back and keep an eye on him. Â And if any of you goons text Oikawa to ask him if he wants to play cards, Iâll kick your ass,â he adds as a precaution when he notices a new glint in Hanamakiâs eyes and the phone in his hand. Â Heâs glad he did so when Hanamakiâs smile fades. Â Crisis averted.
He turns to leave and grumbles a âgoodnightâ over his shoulder as he goes, acknowledging the responding âgoodnightsâ of the rest of the team with a wave of the hand.
Despite all the trouble and chaos, Iwaizumi is in a much better mood by the time he returns to the room. Â As a result, heâs nearly drops the glass of water on the ground in surprise when he opens the door to find that his best friend has dissolved into a sobbing mess. Â He rushes to his side immediately.
He smells the vomit a moment before he sees it on the comforter. Â Thereâs not much, but itâs enough to make Oikawa freak out. Â The sick boyâs hands are lifted but hanging limp at the wrist as if he doesnât know what to do with them but wants them as far away as possible, which is probably the case seeing as they have puke dripping from them. Â Oikawa hates messes, and this is certainly a mess. Â Still trying to process the shock, Iwaizumi takes a moment to compose himself, then speaks as quietly as he can.
âOikawaâŚâ  Even as gentle as Iwaizumiâs voice is, Oikawa startles, having been so wrapped up in his distress that he didnât notice when his friend returned.  He hiccups and his eyes squeeze closed again as he wails.
âIwa- Iwa-cha-an,â he sobs, his breathing fast and uneven.
âHey,â Iwaizumi murmurs, knowing that he needs to calm Oikawa down but not knowing exactly how. Â âHey, Oikawa. Â Look it me. Â Youâre okay.â
Oikawa sniffles, but the action makes him retch. Â Iwaizumi grabs the trashcan thatâs conveniently next to the bed (which is also scary, since it means that Oikawa didnât even have the strength to get it himself before he was sick earlier). Â Oikawa accepts the receptacle gratefully, but his arms shake as they wrap around it. Â Iwaizumi places a hand on his sweaty back to help support him, and gently strokes Oikawaâs hair away form his face with his other hand.
âYouâre okay,â he repeats.
Oikawa shudders, and then his whole body jolts with a heave. Â The distinctively hollow splash of liquid on the empty plastic trashcan tells Iwaizumi it was productive.
âThatâs it, Oikawa. Â Youâll feel better soon.â
Oikawa lets out a whine, and then heâs lurching even further forward, burying his head in the trashcan as his body is wracked by heave after relentless heave. Â He gasps desperately for air but ends up coughing so harshly that he gets sick again.
âTake small breaths, Oikawa, and donât panic,â Iwaizumi murmurs, wishing he could do more, but not knowing what else he can do. Â âYouâll be fine.â
By the time heâs able to pull away from the trashcan, Oikawa is shaking like a leaf. Â Heâs not crying anymore, but his eyes are so wide that Iwaizumi wonders if the fear of throwing up again is the reason heâs holding back his tears.
âIwa-chan,â Oikawaâs voice comes out in a raspy whisper and heâs caught off guard by a small, but thankfully dry, cough before he can continue. Â âI feel so bad.â
Iwaizumi clicks his tongue and runs his fingers through Oikawaâs hair. Â âI know.â
âI made a mess.â
âI know.â
âI have to-â
âIâll clean it.â
âYou canât even clean your own clothes up off the floor!â Â Oikawaâs breathing speeds up again.
âHey. Â I can if you tell me to. Â Come on now, you know this.â
âI know I justâŚâ  Oikawa trails off and Iwaizumi doesnât catch the last of his muttered words.
âWhat?â
âItâs just gross!â Â Oikawa shudders and looks down at the vomit on his shirt.
âItâs nothing I canât handle, I promise. Â Now letâs get you cleaned up. Â Iâll clean the floor while Iâm at it, too, howâs that sound?â
Oikawa shrugs, and Iwaizumi takes that as an agreement.
Oikawa is silent and complacent throughout the whole ordeal, not even bothering to verbally greet Hanamaki and Matsuwaka when they stop by briefly to help after Iwaizumi texts them an SOS. Â In fact, Oikawa doesnât say a word until after the other boys leave and Iwaizumi moves to start picking up his clothes off the floor.
âIwa-chan.â
Iwaizumi freezes. Â âWhatâs up?â
âIâmââ Oikawa yawns. Â ââm tired.â
Iwaizumi relaxes. Â âWell, thatâs good. Â You ought to rest.â
âNot when youâre cleaning.â
âI donât know what you want me to do,â Iwaizumi says, looking around helplessly. Â âSorry, I should have done this sooner, but now itâs going to take a while.â
âCome to bed.â
âWhat?â
âWell, youâre not sleeping in thatââ Oikawa yawns again, longer this time. Â âThat bed without a comforter.â
âDonât you want me to pick upââ
âJust leave the clothes, Iwa-chan!â
Thatâs a first. Â âYou sure?â
Oikawa nods. Â âYou have to be my pillow in exchange, though!â
âYour what?â
Oikawa flushes pink, and Iwaizumi wonders if maybe that had been the fever getting the better of his tongue.  âIt just⌠listening to your heartbeat helps me sleep,â Oikawa whispers in a voice so low that Iwaizumi hardly catches it.  Heâs glad he does, though.  It makes him smile and immediately give up on cleaning.  He turns off the light and gets in the bed.
âThanks, Iwa-chan,â Oikawa lays his head on Iwaizumiâs chest and relaxes.
âSure thing,â Iwaizumi mutters. Â Then Oikawa tenses suddenly and Iwaizumi wonders brieflyif he should have kept the trashcan within armâs length, despite Oikawaâs reassurances that he was no longer nauseous.
âYou canât leave,â Oikawa says, and Iwaizumi relaxes, relieved. Â As if he needs to justify the validity of his demand, Oikawa adds, âItâs part of the deal.â
âHonestly, Oikawa, you-â
âHajime,â Oikawa pleads, voice desperate and shaky. Â âPlease.â
Iwaizumi looks at him in surprise, and even in the near-complete darkness he recognizes the return of that vulnerability heâd glanced earlier. Â And yeah, thereâs some fear there, too. Â Iwaizumi huffs out a puff of air.
âOf course.â Â Oikawa relaxes immediately, his eyelids drifting shut.
Despite the chaos of the night, Iwaizumi canât help but smile, thinking back on how bored he was when Oikawa wasnât around. Â As someone who despises being bored, he certainly chose the right best friend. Â Life is never anything less than excessively eventful when Oikawaâs around, thatâs for sure. Â And yet, he still manages to look peaceful and innocent when asleep. Â Iwaizumi laughs lightly, exhaustion nipping at his own heels now that heâs in bed.
âDonât worry,â Iwaizumi murmurs, just before drifting off, a hand sifting lightly through Oikawaâs hair. Â âIâm not going anywhere.â
send me an ask!
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2016 diary of a spoonie
Rereading my diary from 2016 for some perspective (not ready to open my 2015 one, I know itâs going to be even more difficult). Remembering some mental places I've been and that I made it through them and Iâm still here.
Here are some parts I'm okay with sharing, hopefully it will help someone realize they are not alone and that as difficult as things get, there is so much more to life than being sick even if we have to deal with it often in isolation.
Itâs also good to keep in mind that when we have illnesses that affect our brain/mood, it can drastically warp our perception of the world, our lives, and ourselves. Thatâs why I started trying to keep a diary, to record these moments when Iâm not myself, when my illnesses make me think things that arenât true, makes me have horrible tunnel vision, and then be able to look back on them when Iâm not in that mental state and try to get an understanding of it.
(warning for suicide mentions in some excerpts because Mr. Brain can be kinda bananas sometimes, itâs pretty heavy and a lot of it is me scribbling when dissociating pretty badly so I say some weird things)
This is also probably a cautionary tale to NOT BE LIKE ME, Iâm a bad spoonie. I canât believe I forced myself to have such a full schedule, no wonder my body broke down by December.
1.5.16 8:49 PM: Everything in my life is so turbulent. Why? I feel like someone cut and pasted me here.
1.19.16 2:51 AM: I barely slept. Puked a little, dry heaved a lot, sweated so much. Cried my eyes out in the shower.Â
I have to leave for work in 2 hours. I hope it's not a long day.
I don't know where this mood swing came from. I feel so weak. I was just crying and crying because I can't stand myself. I can't stand being me. I feel so alone and lost. I feel so stupid.
3:18 AM:Â Dry heaved again. I'm shivering and I feel horrible. Why does this happen to me? I thought I was done with this. I feel like I'm shriveling up.Â
What's going to happen to me?
1.20.16 10:56 AM: Yesterday was rough. First depressive mood swing of this year. I suddenly felt like no one would ever love me. That Iâm just an immature slob. A burden. A loser. Dirty.Â
I donât even have a best friend. Iâm not close with anyone. I canât organize my room or my life. I just sort of work, play games, and sleep. Iâm so lonely. Iâm stressed and overwhelmed. I donât have anyone to talk to. I live in a fantasy world but really Iâm just alone here in my room.Â
I feel so pathetic. I feel so stupid. Who could ever love me?Â
1.26.16 4:59 PM: Wow! Worked 7am-3:18pm. Didnât see Miss Piggy. Again!
But since I got out so early I was able to run and errand, do yoga, aerobics, read, and stuff.Â
Now is definitely meditation time but Iâm worried I will fall asleep. Too tired to bathe/eat.Â
Going to open my heart chakra! Yay!
1.31.16 5:57 PM: Holy stress. Still no word about the shoot. Aaand there was some asshole.Â
Gotta let it go. They donât dictate my day. I do. Only me. I am in charge. No one else.
2.3.16 10:48 PM: No spoons for laundry or putting clothes up. I desperately need to do that. My room is overflowing with clothes.
BAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(drawing of a newlamb)
ăăăŞăăă(itâs not enough!)
2.5.16 10:54 PM: I feel so strange. Like Iâm a thousand lifetimes apart from New. I donât know who that person is.Â
I guess itâs okay not to know.Â
Right?
2.14.16 1:15 AM: ăăľăăăăŚă㎠(Iâm stayinâ up late)
Um... too much mental energy. Body is done and tired but my mind all ăď˝ď˝ď˝ď˝ď˝ď˝ď˝ď˝ď˝ď˝ďź
Kinda woozy today. But I got FFX-2 running so Iâve been doing that. Maybe too much.Â
2.21.16 10:30 PM: Oops, 4 days of not writing in here.Â
I didnât work Thursday. Friday I went to Hollywood w/ ______. We saw Frozen, she gave me my presents, we had tea and a chicken burger at Chado tea room and we goofed around doing touristy things. Had so much fun, I really missed her.Â
I was so tired I fell asleep at 8pm. I woke up at 3am but I was having so much fun sleeping that I just went back to sleep until 8am.Â
2.24.16 8:22 PM: I was having an okay day. I was doing okay. Right now I want to not exist. Two auditions tomorrow. What am I gonna do?
I wish I was never born.Â
I donât feel much. Now would be a good time to do it. But I donât want to hurt my dad.Â
Wish I had someone to talk to.Â
Iâm so done. So done. So alone.Â
If I died a lot of people would be really sad but it wouldnât change much.Â
I donât want to be here. I donât want to be me. I hate who I am. I hate me. Iâm too stupid to work retail. I canât do math. I canât edit, I was too stupid for editing school. My body canât work or I get sick.Â
I donât know how Iâll be able to support myself. I canât rely on my dream. It might not come true. Iâll be 30 in 4 yearsâwill I still be living here, relying on my dad? Iâm a joke. Iâm not a real adult or person.Â
My cats would be sad if I died. Would they understand? I donât want to hurt them either but I donât know how much longer I can hold on.Â
Iâm not okay right now but I have no one. Iâm all alone.Â
A few tears came out.Â
Thatâs all I have.Â
2.25.16 1:12 PM: Iâm so sad right now. The pain is already bad. I donât have money for more edibles. I had to cancel one audition because I was too sick. Too depressed. Too much anxiety.Â
I went to Sprouts and very nearly had a freak out. I tried to meditate. I canât focus on editing. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are caving in.Â
How am I gonna get out of this one? Iâve done it before. Time is crawling.Â
Bad pain spreading. Bad thoughts. bad urges. I need distractions but the problem is that Iâm too depressed to actually focus on anything fun.Â
I can barely cry. Itâs like a blockage.Â
FUUUUUCK!!!
(lots of scribbles)
2.26.16 12:05 PM: Much better today. Body is tired but Iâm not depressed. Nope! Had a shoyuu tamago. Mm! Itâs still really early but I think itâs time for a meditation nap.
3.2.16 10:03 PM: Itâs March wtf... okay.
3.11.16 1:46 PM: I soar. I am worthy. My dreams will come true.Â
3.13.16 2:51 PM:Â Itâs Nikkiâs birthday.Â
I feel like all I do is edit, play games, RP, watch cartoons... :(Â
Even though I love that stuff, it doesnât make me money. It makes me happy, so happy, but. Where am I going in my life?
I just feel so fragile Iâm worried that if one day, my family snaps at me and says how they hate having to support me, that I wonât be able to take it. That Iâll run away, or worse. Iâve had some suicidal ideations lately. I feel like my family hates me. I know itâs silly but. Maybe at the very least they resent me.Â
:( I wish I wasnât like this.Â
3.21.16Â 1:42 PM, Monday: Itâs so hard not to feel like he [my dad] hates me. I keep having horrible dreams about fighting with him or other family like my sister. :(
Things will work out. Things will pay off.Â
Lots of pain right now. I have so much to do always. Always trying, always in pain, never have money.Â
Caught int he swirl.Â
I am something and someone.
3.28.16 1:19 PM: If I get that job itâs going to be really difficult to balance with bg work but what choice do I have? I canât afford my bills right now.Â
(written out weekly schedule with a drawing of Bill crying and saying, âyou can do itâ)
I can do this. I can make it happen.Â
4.4.16 8:37 AM: Bad morning anxiety again. I kept waking up with my heart pounding. Dry-heaved a bit at 7am.Â
So much going on in my head. Wish I could stop it.Â
4.29.16 8:45 PM: Ugh!! MOOD DOWN, CANâT FOCUS!! SAD!!
5.29.16 12:25 PM: Wow. Really been in la la land. Mood crazy. My period came 11 days late and I am 900% sure I felt a cyst pop.
I havenât been meditating... I really need to get back into it so I wonât fall apart. also I lost out on 3 bookings, ugh. :( Itâs just a dry spell. It will get better.Â
I just want to cry in bed. A lot.Â
6.13.16Â 8:52 PM: Whoops. I have no memory of actually writing that last post.Â
Still having a hard time with this summer depression... Trying to hang in there.
I had 2 insane customers stress me out the past 2 shifts. Shoots are still only about 1/week...Â
Iâve been keeping busy despite my health though. Been editing and stuff a lot, though rest breaks get me down.Â
BUT SO. I moved my room around. Donât know why I didnât think of this sooner.
(drawing of my room before and after)
So much nicer. I think Iâve been sleeping better. And now thereâs not all this junk space under my bed or to the side. Love it!
Well so... Friday I had a bad audition. It sucked so hard. Had to cry, tried to prepare, couldnât cry... fuck.Â
Whatever. Life goes on. My confidence has sucked lately.Â
Sigh (drawing of New in lamb hat with eyes full of tears)
There was a bad shooting. Worst in US history, at a gay club in Florida. 49 dead. The whole world is crying. I feel numb.Â
6.14.16 11:45 PM:Â I love my dad more than anyone in the whole universe. He has done so much for me and other people. He deserves the best love. He deserves to be happy.Â
Iâm so sick of women hurting him like this. He tries so hard to make things work.Â
I hope heâll be okay.Â
I just want him to know how special he is.Â
6.28.16 1:11 PM: Colonoscopy and upper endoscopy in an hour. Period started. Depressed.Â
Keep making mistakes at my part-time job. Worried. Stressed.Â
Tuesday now, been eating nothing but jello since Saturday.Â
Just feeling really down about my situation. My health, work, school, friends. Everything.Â
I hate the snarling monster inside of me. I hate who it makes me. I hate myself for yelling at my dad yesterday.Â
I just really donât like myself.
What can I do?
7.1.16 1:20 PM: Shooting a chronic pain thing in my room right now.Â
Camera in my face.Â
Feeling tired but pretty good.Â
7.24.16 10:38 PM:Â Thereâs so much to say but itâs late, gotta take my meds, and I got a shoot.Â
I release pain. I release guilt. Namaste.Â
8.11.16 2:22 PM: Why do things have to be so hard? Iâm trying my best. I really am. But itâs not enough. Will it ever be enough? Will I ever live alone, be independent, be happy?Â
I feel like my dad resents me. I know he loves me but I just have so much pain and guilt for existing. I know I am capable of so much more and that life has so much to offer me... itâs just so hard.Â
9.3.16 8:17 PM: Hooey, itâs September. 3rd week with no bookings, taking an extra day at part-time job.Â
Since Iâve had all these days off I have been dividing my time to get things done, rest, play games, better myself. Even just a little at a time is good.Â
9.11.16 11:13 PM: Finally got work. Which means I worked 5 days. Yay.Â
Iâm still trying to improve my writing. My problem is I never really have a planâor I get stuck at words, instead of just writing.Â
9.12.16Â 10:49 PM: Oh, hell... My agent called today, I got booked on some shoot. But itâs for tomorrow, so. I canât since now I work Tues as well. So last week I worked SUN, TUES, WED, THU, FRI... hooly shit. No wonder I feel awful.Â
Of course when I tried to talk to ___ about it they made me cry. Fuck. Been depressed all fucking day. Fuck fuck fuck.
Iâm okay. I have distractions. I have coping methods.... I have myself. Soon is paychecks. Iâm okay.Â
Tomorrow is... letâs see.Â
7 AM wake, meditate, yoga 8 AM tea, tumblr 9 AM edit 10 AM read 11 AM rest 12 PM ?????
I can do it.Â
9.23.16Â 12:27 PM, Friday: My body is struggling to keep up w this schedule.Â
I worked Sun Mon Tues Wed, had yesterday off, now I have to be at a shoot in a few hours. Iâve had to seriously up my self-care game to be able to do this. Tomorrow is school and acupuncture. Iâll be wiped out.Â
But... money! Also Iâve been meditating a lot with amethyst and rose quartz.Â
(a row of crystals)
On Mon my shoot was so hard, I was having such a rough time but then I met two cool Japanese women. One is Michiko Nishiwaki, a famous stunt woman. She and the (other) Michiko seemed really impressed by me and want me to get on TV. Yay.
Okay, I feel woozy so it is time to read.Â
10.11.16 12:12 pm:Â Last week was two kinds of intense.Â
SUN-WED: bad depression. bad pain. bad bad bad.
TH: Doc, got dmv handicap parking placard, bloodwork, x-rays, narcotics. FRI-SAT: pain so easy, feeling happy.
SUN: pain back after good massage
Now Iâm feeling depressed again.Â
Iâm so scared for my future. I just canât bear the thought of still being in this situation at age 30.Â
I donât know what Iâm supposed to do.Â
10.20.16 12:30 PM: I booked a short film. Happy about it but feeling depressed about my health again.Â
Itâs like a merry-go-round.Â
(sad crying face)Â
10.31.16Â 11:46 PM: (arrow pointing to previous entry) I donât remember writing that. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Well. Tomorrow is November.
Yikes. Where was I last year around this time? Only doing bg, no vlogs to edit. No Overwatch.Â
What did I do during down time? How did I keep sane?
This year has brought a lot of change, but tiâs easy to see it only as the same because my career is so slow going.Â
Just keep swimming.Â
11.25.16 4:15 AM: I start my hostessing job in 5 hours. New job. 3rd job.Â
Idk. Iâm so sad rn. Anxious. Woke up w racing heart. Pukey. I wanna cry.Â
I didnât do anything wrong.Â
12.1.16 9:48 PM: I threw up a lot, just now recovering a week later.
Things:Â
New job: shift got cut TuesdayÂ
Universe made up for it by having casting call me with work. Cult member. Very far but this should be interesting.Â
Doc today gave me gave more tramadol + xanax â Nice.
itâs December wtf
Made a Patreon
12.12.16 10:02 PM: Energy is focused. Going to set up 2017 to be a great year.Â
12.16.16Â 3:07 PM:Â I intend to heal. I feel terrific. I love myself. I release guilt. The universe supports me. Today I expect that something wonderful is going to happen.
My Dharma is to guide, inspire, teach, and help.Â
All is perfect. All is well.Â
#spoonie#chronic illness#fibromyalgia#narcolepsy#invisible illnesses#personal#teku#long post#suicide mention
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Yeah everything is such a lose/lose situation
Either timeline he would stay in he can't have a normal life
Either he is forgotten, or he will forever be in a body older than he is and won't age properly; he won't fit in either way
At least we see he reconnects with Zelda and Malon in mm but he still has trauma left behind and then all of Majora's Mask happens
It's just very sad,,,
*head in hands* oot link is such a tragic character and it makes me so sad
#like everything about him was a lose/lose situation#he had to be a hero at 10 years old#and even tho he got aged up#he was still mentally 10#so of course zelda sent him back in time#he didnât quite understand what was happening#and having to go your whole life being judged and looked at weird simply because you donât act your age?#or going through life not aging mentally in a natural way?#I imagine that that would screw everything up#and so yeah going back in time to age naturally was good#but then thereâs majoras mask and the whole idea that nobody believes him#I mean. they believed him when he called out ganondorf#but having a 10 year old tell you about the moon falling and giants stopping it and all that#Iâm sure a lot of people thought he was crazy when he wasnât#not to mention he probably was no longer mentally 10 in mm since he not only went through all that trauma#but also was stuck in a time loop#and to top it all off. all the people. all the friends he made#were either gone or donât remember him#because they never had the relationship he had in the adult timeline#poor oot link :(#and this isnât to blame zelda at all#I cant imagine how hard itâd be for HER having to send him away#where sheâll never see him again when she def cared about him#just. agh#a lose/lose situation like I said#<< prev tags
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